Bring on the Flushed Face!

Those who know me know I have a flair for the dramatics. Not in an excessively, overreacting all the time sort of way, but I am one who likes to entertain. I am the funniest person I know after all.

It is well known that I have dreams to perform on Broadway. Granted, I do nothing to achieve these dreams, but they are dreams all the same. This morning as I was showering I was reminded of the time during my freshman year in college when I auditioned for the theater department’s production of Godspell. And I had to chuckle and wonder “who was that person?” I mean, aside from a church musical in my tween years, I had never even set foot on a stage. Nor did I have any vocal training. And dance training? Well, those close to me know how laughable that is. But none of that mattered because I had a decided early on that I had a dream to perform on stage. And I needed to cross that off my bucket list. So I went to the audition having no idea what awaited me, having never auditioned for anything before. And I think that was a good thing, because had I any idea what the next two hours would bring I probably would have never shown up. And then I would not be where I am today. OK, maybe I would be exactly where I am today, but it makes for a good story.

There were a couple of hundred people at the audition and I knew only one of them – a girl Tiffany, a theater major, whom I met at Fish Camp (Whoop!) that summer. We went to the audition together. We were given a number and were divided into groups of about 10. And then the audition started. For my group, the first part was dancing. They took us to a room and taught us a short dance. While I have zero dance training I was thankful for the year I spent on drill team in high school because I was at least somewhat familiar with the technical dance terms they were using - most of them anyway. I don’t remember now how much time they spent teaching us – maybe 20 minutes – but once we learned the dance we had to go on stage as a group to perform in front of the judges (director?! Or whoever it is that selects the cast for a show). What I would give now to have a video tape of this!

From there we went to another room backstage and had to act out a parable. I forget what parable we acted out – maybe the Good Samaritan - or even what my part in it was, but thinking back on this, even now, brings a bit of a flush to my face.

And then it was back to the main auditorium for the singing. Oh, the singing. They gave us some music from the show and then one by one we had to go front and center onto the stage and sing while a piano accompanist played along. I can’t read music and at that time I had never even heard of, much less seen the musical Godspell. You can imagine the outcome as the pianist starts and I have no idea what the song is supposed to sound like. I think after 3 or 4 restarts I finally got through it. Again, my face flushes just thinking about this now.

Of course, the next day my name was missing from the call back list. I’m sure I was a little disappointed. Or maybe I was relieved. Whatever I felt, I specifically remember being proud of myself for trying. And also thankful that I had my first audition behind me because, apparently, there would be more as I would still have to cross this goal off the list.

As I was thinking about all of this and feeling my face starting to get hot I began to wonder why, after all these years, I feel embarrassment from this story. Yes, I probably resembled someone out of an American Idol reject segment. (Thank God YouTube and such did not exist back then.) And I’m sure there were some people there who laughed at me. But who cares? I tried. So often as adults we let the fear of being humiliated, or even a little embarrassed, keep us from doing things we’d secretly like to do – and sometime things we’ve always wanted to do. Why are we so afraid to put ourselves out there and look silly? Who do we think is watching? And, more importantly, why do we care?

I’m going to challenge myself to stop caring. Not about the important stuff – but about what people think. Because, honestly, I should really only be concerned about what one person thinks. And He loves me no matter what. Life’s too short to not follow your dreams.

No, this does not mean I’m going to pursue a Broadway career. Not that I’d turn it down if it fell in my lap. I crossed performing on stage off my list in my 20s. (Wait. Let me rephrase that: I have since performed in a few community theater productions, thus achieving my goal.) But, I’m definitely going to open myself up to new things and not let fear stop me. Because the only true failure is in failing to try. Here’s to more red-faced memories!